Comment on this report, or find other reports. Our Mystery Worshippers are volunteers who warm church pews for us around the world. If you'd like to become a Mystery Worshipper, start here. Find out how to reproduce this report in your church magazine or website.   2173: Lowe Memorial, Finaghy, Northern Ireland Mystery Worshipper: Servetus. The church: Lowe Memorial, Finaghy, Northern Ireland. Denomination: Presbyterian Church in Ireland. The building: It's a traditional style stone building with a bell tower, dating from 1935. Inside the main sanctuary they have achieved a pleasing blend of modern and traditional elements. The area where the altar would normally be is dominated by a massive and stunningly beautiful stained glass window made up of a collage of smaller images which, when viewed as a whole, gives the impression of a figure on a cross. I noticed a slight echo in the building also. The church: Apparently the congregation began as a small house group in the 1920s and now represents around 450 families. They have a wide variety of activities on offer to the whole community, including flower arranging classes and English courses. The neighbourhood: Finaghy is a densely populated suburban area of South Belfast. In the early 1900s it was a quiet area, but population movement led to housing development from the 1920s. Finaghy is home to the first National Health Service purpose-built clinic in the UK. There are a huge number of churches within a very small radius here, including a Methodist church right next door. It is claimed there are no pubs or betting shops in Finaghy due to a stipulation in the land deeds of the former owner of Ballyfinaghy House. While I don't remember seeing any, I feel this would be worth checking out again. The cast: Steve Martin, coordinator of pastoral ministry, led today's service. The date & time: Sunday, 1 May 2011, 10.00am. What was the name of the service? Traditional Songs of Praise Service. How full was the building? There were around 50 mostly graying heads present, leaving the building mostly empty this morning. Did anyone welcome you personally? Yes. I was welcomed warmly, handed an announcement booklet (12 pages!) and shown into the sanctuary. Was your pew comfortable? Incredibly comfortable – traditional pews fitted with deep welcoming cushions both underneath and for the back. I wanted to stretch out and fall asleep! How would you describe the pre-service atmosphere? When I entered, there were several conversations being carried on. Some organ music began that could just about be discerned over the chat. Just before the service began, Steve Martin walked to the front and looked at his watch. He then sat down for about a minute before rising again and opening the proceedings. What were the exact opening words of the service? "Good morning. Bear with me; I have a bit of a raspy throat because of a chest infection." What books did the congregation use during the service? The Holy Bible, New International Version, was in the pews. The hymns were projected onto a screen. What musical instruments were played? Only a traditional church organ. Did anything distract you? There were many, but I must mention the unmitigated disaster that was the PowerPoint sermon slides. The button for flicking between slides was broken, so the preacher had verbally to request the next slide from the sound guy each time. At one point the whole thing came to a stop as they flicked back and forth trying to find a slide that would work properly. Then some slides came in at the wrong time. And to top it all off, the sound went out completely near the end as well. Was the worship stiff-upper-lip, happy clappy, or what? There were three hymns and I didn't know any of them, but I am quite certain that they are not meant to sound the way they did this morning. The singing was truly atrocious. It sounded like a cat being strangled: out of tune, staccatoed, and the wrong tempo. I thought it might improve as we progressed, but if anything it became worse! Exactly how long was the sermon? 36 minutes. On a scale of 1-10, how good was the preacher? 4 – Steve seemed, for me at least, a little too comfortable in the pulpit. He had a conversational style and was constantly cracking jokes. I'm not saying he is a bad speaker, but I wouldn't call what we had this morning preaching. To be honest, he might as well have read a comic book to us rather than St Paul's letters, because the text was never engaged at all or even vaguely referenced a single time! There was really nothing distinctively Christian about the presentation, and one could as easily have gotten the same kind of advice from a professional marriage counsellor. In a nutshell, what was the sermon about? God's role in marriage. He read 1 Corinthians 13, St Paul's famous panegyric to love ("If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love..."). He said that he had considered reading Ephesians 5 (St Paul's equally famous admonition to husbands and wives to submit to each other) instead. The message was basically a list of potential pitfalls faced by any married couple, along with some fairly sensible advice on how to keep a marriage intact. Which part of the service was like being in heaven? I enjoyed looking at the stained glass window. But the most heavenly part had to be when I heard Steve utter: "As we bring things to a close..." These words of hope were as cold water to my now weary soul! And which part was like being in... er... the other place? So many to choose from! But due to its length, the honour goes to the sermon itself. After a while I began to fidget and wish that the service would hurry up and end, something I feel very rarely in church services. What happened when you hung around after the service looking lost? No time for that, as there was another service scheduled straight afterward. However, the man on the door shook my hand and thanked me for coming. How would you describe the after-service coffee? There was none. I feel that I had really earned one, though! How would you feel about making this church your regular (where 10 = ecstatic, 0 = terminal)? 3 – Perhaps the other service would have made a better impression, or perhaps Steve was having an off-day with his chest infection. But based on this experience, no way Jose! Did the service make you feel glad to be a Christian? Nope, it left me feeling numb and glad to get away. What one thing will you remember about all this in seven days' time? I'd like to forget all the cock-ups and remember that beautiful window with the sun coming through.   We rely on voluntary donations to stay online. If you're a regular visitor to Ship of Fools, please consider supporting us. The Mystery Pilgrim One of our most seasoned reporters makes the Camino pilgrimage to Santiago de Compostela in Spain. Read here. London churches Read reports from 70 London churches, visited by a small army of Mystery Worshippers on one single Sunday. Read here.             More Mystery Worshipper reports