The #TrumpTheology tweets, as revealed to Alexandra Coe
People say Your President doesn’t read the Bible. Fake News!!! I read that story about Jesus in the Wilderness. First of all, changing stones into bread? There are many stones in the world, many more than you’d think! My Dad knew all about concrete for example. He worked out a deal with the Gambinos for the foundation of Trump Tower. Great Deal!! NYC loves me!!
And why would making Bread be such a big deal? I hate bread unless it’s White bread or on a Big Mac. Bread tastes as boring as that manna stuff they talk about in the other part of the Bible. Who cares if it was filling? If God cared about those people he should have made it rain Big Macs. And quail was a ridiculous idea, duck a l’orange would have been better.
Besides if he was supposedly such a great God, he would have done that miracle in a second like Me!!! If he was God he didn’t have to starve himself in the Wilderness like a Dog!! What’s the point of being God if you can’t prove it on the spot!!! He could have taken control of the situation like a Man, eaten that bread and gotten a ride out of that shithole with that guy he was talking to (Very Nice guy, good manners!!! Probably had a fantastic limo waiting. Easy Solution!!!).
’Throw yourself down’? Look, I would have no problem with that. I even walked down that ramp, Very Slippery and Steep!!! Installed by Dems! I even survived COVID which is a Fake Disease!!! Besides, people never talk about how brave I was in the 70s with all those STDs going around. WORSE than Vietnam!!
Besides, even if I did do throw myself down, from a real cliff, an actual real cliff, Mitch and Bill Barr would be there to catch me. FAILED IMPEACHMENT!!! Just watch, even if I Lose the election, Amy Coney Barrett will bail me out!!! Great woman, she even has Black children living in her house and she’s actually feeding them!!! Great con job. Pretty smart for a woman.
To top it all off, Jesus said he didn’t want all the Kingdoms of the World! Crazy! That was the Deal of a Lifetime!!! All he had to do was nod or wink at that guy in the Wilderness (I have no idea who that guy was, BTW, never met him, don’t remember his name). Even if Jesus did bow down, Not Illegal! It’s acceptable in many Foreign cultures. Only Polite!!! All he had to do with that guy was one small favor. Boris, good friend, great guy. He would have taken that deal!!! Very Smart!!! Everybody knows Brexit is a huge Success!
Anyway, that guy was offering Jesus EVERYTHING, and he told him to get lost! I would have made him Secretary of State on the spot! People who don’t take advantage of Opportunity are stupid. Jesus was a Total Loser and a Jew anyway, a terrible Jew, not a good Jew like Jared. Jesus is a big Disappointment and a terrible Businessman. Overrated!!!