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Signs & Blunders

Street signboards are the only 'shop window' most churches have and yet they are used to display yawn-inducing puns or sentiments that frequently reduce people to tears – of laughter. Below are some of the most prized possessions in the Ship of Fools collection of the sacred signmaker's art.

All painful examples of church signboards and bumper stickers will be gratefully received. Please send your sacred contributions to us by clicking the big 'Signs & Blunders' noticeboard above and then filling in the pop-up form…

This near-perfect example of the 'copycat' slogan was spotted by Andy Best outside Staines Methodist Church…

TYREd or EXHAUSTed? Then how about trying one of OUR SERVICES?

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Another copycat sign was seen outside a church in Chesterfield by Rachael Cooper…

We don't have all the answers, but we know a man who does!

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Matt Ebdon from Warwick saw this classic on the outside of the Elim Pentecostal church in Coventry…

Are you in the Word or in the World? Then get the 'L' out of it.

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Rose & Wendy from Westfield, Massachusetts, saw this bumper sticker in Texas…

ETERNITY – It's hell without Jesus.

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Have you ever almost choked with laughter reading the church newsletter during a sermon? Dan Papworth from Bristol was recently sent these extracts from US church magazines, most of which sound like captions to Gary Larson cartoons…

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

Don't let worry kill you off – let the church help.

The Pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, Break Forth Into Joy.

The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

Mrs Crutchfield and Mrs Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

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Stephen Tomkins saw this car bumper sticker in Croydon…

Warning! When the rapture comes, the car in front of you will be empty.

Stephen writes: 'The heathen whose car I was in when we saw it asked me if I could explain it. I thought for a bit and opted for "No".'

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And now a sign which unintentionally offers prayer as a cure for insomnia, seen in South London by keks…

Can't sleep? Don't count sheep – talk to the Shepherd.

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A cryptic sign seen by Stuart Bellamy outside Heavitree United Reformed Church, Exeter…

When God closes a door, he opens a window.

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And a safety-conscious message seen by Susan Graham Walker in Toronto, Canada…

Never drive faster than your guardian angels can fly.

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Thanks to Simon Cansdale for these splendid examples…

Where will you be sitting in eternity – smoking or non-smoking?

It's unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin.

Forbidden fruit causes many jams.

Try our Sundays – they're better than MacDonalds.

Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons – come hear one!

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Spotted by Simon Jenkins outside Teddington Baptist Church was this statement of dubious theological quality…

Jesus not only adds life to your years, but years to your life.

And this car sticker, seen in the car park of Holy Trinity Brompton (Christian bumper-sticker's paradise)…

Ichthus Sticker

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Finally, a few classic examples culled from the back issues of Ship of Fools…

This Church Welcomes Prayerful Livers

Seven Prayerless Days Make One Weak

C H - - C H – What's Missing? U. R.

'Soul Agents' for this District

Come in Here and Have Your Faith Lifted

Ecumenism Means Getting to Know the Opposite Sects

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© Ship of Fools 1998